The Power of A Single Question
I sat with a friend the other day and asked him an important question.
I ask the guys in my workgroups this question.
I ask people who are seeking counsel.
I ask friends.
I periodically ask myself this question.
It's the driver of our lives, yet we do not seem to value the power of it. Maybe it's because the question seems so simple and obvious. Unfortunately, that's a facade we have trouble shaking.
What's the question?
Why Ask Why?
"Why?"
Years ago, Simon Sinek popularized this question for people looking to become more productive and successful. It became a pop culture theme for finance bros and struggling entrepreneurs.
For centuries, it has been the basis of religion and philosophy. The simple question has culminated in some of the most ground-breaking theories of life.
The question is extremely valuable. It just matters where you direct it and how you use it.
We tend to operate more in the land of "what" or "how," than in the deeper reaches of "why."
For instance: if I ask you the why question, you'll be tempted to respond with answers that satisfy a "what", not a "why."
Perhaps I ask you, "Why do you want to be physically fit?"
Your response may be akin to, "I want a 6-pack and to be toned at 185 lbs."
Not a bad goal, but that's a "what." A true answer to the why would be more like, "Because I love my children, and they need me around. My family needs a father who is fit, active, productive, and in tune with their needs."
If you tried, you could go even deeper with the question.
You may not think that the question "why" is all that important, but it will not only motivate you to progress but will clarify how you get to where you want to go.
How to Ask Yourself Why
1) Get Alone For Why
It begins with getting yourself away for a little bit. We lead busy lives and often tell ourselves that we can't afford the time it might take for self-reflection or self-development. Instead, we cope with, "I'll do it later," and put the whole process off. Day after day.
You need to know where you're going. While doing all the tasks may seem important to you over a day or a week, the danger and destruction of not sitting down with the Lord periodically can cause damage over the long term.
Many of us flail at life because we sporadically and without thought attack problems with no long-term journey in mind. The siren call of immediate gratification wins against planning and strategy.
But if you don't know where you're going, how can you expect to know when you've gotten there?
Instead, you need to take some time for yourself. Sit with the Lord and push the busy, chaotic noise of life away for a little while. Consider it time to invest in yourself.
The excuses to put off time by yourself will come to the surface with blistering speed, but you need to swat them away any chance you get. They're holding you back from getting some real answers.
2) Picture the Ideal with Why
Once alone, begin imagining what the ideal life looks like. Who would you be as a person day in and day out? What would you be doing with your time? What would your relationships be like? What would you look like physically? How would you eat, relax, socialize, sleep, etc.?
You need to be extremely specific because those things matter. The ideal "you" is a visualization of things you desire and drive you.
Be sure to weigh these out with the Lord. If He doesn't have input on who you should be as a person, then what good is it? You may gain the world, but you'll lose your soul…
Once you get a really vivid, detailed image of who you are day-to-day, begin to ask yourself the most difficult simple question in the world:
3) Ask Yourself Why
Why do you want to be all those things? Think about the deeper drives, motivations, and inspirations. Maybe you want to be physically fit because you saw Brad Pitt in Fight Club and always wanted that physique. Perhaps you want to build a deep relationship with your family because your dad left when you were young and you don't want to do the same thing to your kids.
The answers to the "why" will vary. The longer you spend getting into the deeper motivations of why you want to become the ideal, the more you'll be able to figure out whether it is a quality answer or not. After all, looking like Brad Pitt might have some value, but does it provide the deepest value? Not really. Does being fit and active to run around with your kids and take care of your family provide a lot more value? Absolutely.
After you've taken some time to answer your question, you can move to the next step:
4) Trim your motivations - Find the Why
By this, I mean taking your motivations (your why) and figuring out what has value and what is a holdover from wrong desires or motivations. I'm not telling you that looking like Brad Pitt is a horrible motivation. But let me ask you this: how does it benefit others? How does it make you to be a more effective, productive member of society? How does it help you lead your family well? Most importantly, how does it help you become a better Christian?
If you can be honest with yourself for any length of time, then you'll quickly discover that your motivations are mixed. Some of your motivations are good, while other motivations are self-serving and rather crude.
Trim the ones that are self-serving and crude. Step back and see if the ideal "you" changes. Maybe the ideal "you" doesn't need that washboard stomach but does need to be able to wrestle for 20 minutes without getting super winded and exhausted.
Maybe the ideal "you" stops being a multi-millionaire and starts being a man who can provide a vacation every year for his family.
You are in charge of the trimming. However, if you want a high-quality refinement of your motivations, get the Lord in on it. Ask Him why you desire a certain ideal, and then just listen for the small voice in your heart. Most likely, it'll come like a thought in your head, but it'll have some pretty reasonable and profound truth to it.
For example, if your ideal is to make millions, ask the Lord "Why do I want this Lord?" His voice might respond, "Because you want to prove yourself to your family that you can do it."
It might cut a little bit, but it may be something you've never allowed your heart to admit. At that point, ask what He wants you to do. He may say, "Give up chasing after riches. Follow me. I am your provider. Am I not good to bless you?"
The trimming is extremely important because it helps you avoid getting sidetracked chasing after goals that weren't for you in the beginning.
Once you have refined goals aligned with the Lord's, you can move to the final step.
5) Plan your day-to-day with Why in Mind
What does the ideal "you" do day in and day out? What time do they get up? What do they eat for breakfast? What do they do to enrich themselves? What do they do to get closer to the Lord?
Take these daily tasks and make them reasonable in your life. You may not be able to dedicate two hours every morning to the Lord. However, you can give him the first fruits of your day. You can at least sit down with Him.
And guess what? You probably won't want to at first. Just like eating healthy: it takes time to break the old desires, comforts, excuses, and habits. It takes time to rebuild choices you make that reflect who you want to be.
While the desire may come calling in the dead of night, keep the ideal in your mind. And that ideal is the actualization of your why. After all, if you fulfill your motivations that are good and honorable, then it stands to reason that along a long enough timeline of consistency, you'll become the man you're supposed to be.
So take your ideal endpoint and motivations, and break them down into daily actionable steps. If you want to get fit, then at least start getting active. Go for walks! Do some push-ups! Do something reasonable that you can achieve over and over. Trust me, you'll soon discover you can do more.
Your why can motivate you to your goals because it helps shed light on where you're heading. If you just say you want to be fit or be a good dad...well, that's great, but that's a what. That doesn't give you any specific details on how to even achieve those things. But to say, "My kids deserve a dad who spends the afternoon showing them life skills and being active with them. They need a guiding father in their life," gives you at least the start of a road map. The next step simply becomes: What does that look like on a day-to-day basis over the long term? What daily actions would have you looking back and saying to yourself with satisfaction, "My kids have a father who is active with them and is training them up with the life skills they need. They have a father who absolutely loves them."
It's time to ask yourself "Why?"
Take on the challenge of transforming. If you want to build deeper, longer-lasting relationships as you grow in confidence, then get our newest book, The Hidden Ones - 21 Tactics for Transformation today. Otherwise, visit The Forged to learn more about our exclusive, personal programs that help men in communities across the nation grow every day.
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