My phone sat on my desk; its screen dark and inactive. I toyed with a few useless items within reach. I leafed through my notepad. I cycled through a couple of tabs on my browser. Every so often, I peeked at the phone out of the corner of my eye. Still dormant.
I finally picked it up. The screen lit up. The pesky social media apps trapped me.
I never wanted them on my phone, yet there they were.
The app opened and useless images and videos endlessly rolled upwards...while reality nagged in the back of my mind.
I drooled to the slot machine ambiance of digital heroine. I couldn't get away. Enough scrolls and something was bound to grab me, give a titter of excitement, and leave me wanting more.
The longer I spent scrolling mindlessly through my feed, the more the cognitive dissonance grew. Conflict built from my stomach to my throat, and my heartbeat increased from rumbling anxiety. I knew I was avoiding the inevitable.
It ate at me and left me in a frustrated mess. All because I didn't want to do what I knew I should be doing.
Horrific examples of worst-case scenarios played in my head and I was left feeling depressed and anxious, as though these examples had already become cemented in my future.
I gathered as much pluck as possible and closed the social media app. It stung to exit out knowing that some outstanding video could be right around the corner.
With a clear screen, I opened my contacts list. A tiny victory among the avalanches of failures and setbacks. I swallowed hard and opened the first contact. I typed a small message. I deleted half of it and tried again. I worked it a third time.
I sat hovering over the send button. In a fit of "Screw it," I pushed send before I could stop myself. With the jitters of the first one sent, I accepted the reality of what could be and continued down the list.
I finished with the A's of my contact list and sat back, feeling encouraged that I had made a step.
But the fear lingered. I couldn't seem to overcome the resistance to the process.
My Fear Defined
My task? Send messages out to contacts, letting them know about my business and seeing if I could drum up some interest and/or warm leads. I had planned on sending the message to all the contacts on my phone who might be a potential contact or knew someone who might be. That amounts to hundreds.
However, my fear got the best of me. I stopped at the A's and struggled to finish the job. Of course, this fear of cold messaging led to all sorts of scenarios in my head. Not only that, but it walked me into a depression convinced I could never succeed with my business if I wasn't willing to overcome every fear that ever transpired.
I felt like a failure and allowed myself to grope deeper into that dark hole. To make matters worse, my struggles forced me to question everything about myself. It got so bad that I wondered about my entire identity. Was I a fraud? Was I a complete failure? Could I ever step outside these types of fears which hindered me from pursuing that which I thought I wanted?
Fear owned me and controlled me.
Christians and Fear
Scripture tells us hundreds of times not to fear. Some people argue that it says some form of the phrase at least 360 times, boasting that there's a "don't fear" for almost every day of the year. Yet, despite repeating this to ourselves constantly, fear continues to control us in ways we don't expect.
I've always known that I don't do well with uninitiated contact with others, but that moment woke me up to some realities about myself I didn't like. I didn't like the presence of the fear. It defined me.
The typical Christian response amounts to, "Don't fear. Have faith," when dealing with scenarios like this. And there's truth to it. However, I needed to not only repair this weird fear that held me back, but I needed to work on my identity. The fear was eating at the center of who I was as a person. It seemed to be blocking off parts that I needed to move forward, and I was giving into it.
It was getting in my way and at the same time spurring nasty identity issues.
A motivational speech might get me to step over the obstacle a few times, but sooner or later, the fear would build back into a brick wall and conquer me.
Did my fear define me?
Questioning my Fear
Nothing could progress unless I figured out who God had fashioned me to be. After all, if I pursued things He never intended me to do, then I'd be wasting my time and energy in the wrong direction. Was the fear actually me pushing against what I wasn't meant to do? Or was fear the obstacle that needed to be overcome to grab hold of what Christ offered me?
I decided to face my fear head-on. Though, I don't mean blindly running at it and beating it into submission. I've tried that plenty of times and it only gets me so far. I needed to really face down why I was fearful of taking certain actions.
So, I sat down by myself with the Lord and dove into the fear. I started to ask myself questions.
An Example of Questioning My Fear
Q: I'm struggling with personally promoting my business. What am I afraid of?
A: I'll look foolish. I'll appear to only care about getting something. I'll sound like a cheap salesman. Does what I offer have value? They'll reject me.
I took note of those things but knew not all of them were the deep boilings of fear. Most were shallow excuses that could be easily remedied by the right words and responses built on some self-confidence. This wasn't a major fear. So why was it tripping me up?
I went deeper. One of the things that I answered with stood out.
Q: Reject me? Do I care if I'm being rejected?
A: Not if it's respectful. If it's insulting or disrespectful...then yes, I care.
That difference mattered. I was on to something. Why would I only care about disrespect and not a respectful rejection?
Q: Why do you care about being disrespected? What is it about ridicule or disrespect that you fear?
I thought for a while.
A: Fear that I won't hold value in their eyes. Fear they'll think I'm stupid, foolish, or not worth respect and value. Perhaps my product and business don't have value.
Q: Keep going. Why do you fear the loss of those things in someone else's eyes? Why would it matter what they think?
A: I want to be valued. I want people to see me as smart, valuable, respectable, and more. I care about what they think of me.
I knew I wasn't supposed to care what they thought about me. Yet, it popped up. It mattered. Why did their opinions matter?
Q: What is the worst that could happen if you are ridiculed and disrespected?
A: Business failure. Social ostracizing. Shrinking of relationships, not expanding them.
Q: There's more there. What is it?
I stayed silent and let the Lord lead me. Eventually, it bubbled to the surface.
A: Are they right? I fear that they're correct and I don't see it. I fear that I've been lying to myself about all this. I'm deluded. I'm a fool who just doesn't know it. I fear being that guy who gives his opinion or thoughts and the general consensus is that he's a fool.
After all, let's be realistic. There is a major difference between those who have great ideas and are just ahead of their time and the local numskull down at the tavern who spouts nonsense and isn't self-reflective enough to realize he's an idiot.
Put the Fear Together
I put it all together when I recognized similar anxieties built on a subtle fear revolving around debating others. Deep down, my fear wondered, "What if they're right and they make me look like a fool? There's only so much of my reputation that can handle that. Heck, only so much of my identity can handle it…"
The fear didn't keep me from doing things like debates and cold-calling, but it hindered me. It slowed me down because, at the end of the day, I closed my eyes and hoped I was right. I prayed I wouldn't be made to look the fool.
This is manageable for a while, but it wears you down. The "fear" of being exposed eats away at a person as they wonder when the truth will come out for all to see. When ridicule or disrespect comes (which it certainly will) it leaves a stain because the fear is still sitting there deep inside.
I had heard all of the platitudes that we tell ourselves to feel better. They basically all boil down to:
"It doesn't matter what anybody thinks."
"Just be yourself."
"Only what God thinks matters."
It's not that the platitudes aren't true, but they didn't provide the ultimate solution. They felt more like band-aids on a deeper issue.
I wanted to be a humble, everyday man who didn't care what others thought and did what I knew was right. I wanted to make mistakes, be generous and kind, hold experience and wisdom, yet be ready to offend, frustrate, and piss off anybody who couldn't accept me or what I stood for.
The only solution was to get to the source of the issue and begin healing the lies I believed.
The Steps to Heal Fear
My first step was deep prayer with the Lord over the issue. I had to get to the root of the fear and let Him start healing it. Sometimes, fears result from situations in life. Other times, they're a result of lies we believed and held on to.
It quickly became apparent that I needed the Lord to heal my identity in Him. As I mentioned before, this whole process has been a rooting out and consolidating of who I am as a creation of God. It's obvious my identity is in Christ, but I needed more than that. The expression of my unique nature required me to be cleansed of anything that kept Christ from showing through properly. This meant that any fear would hinder my ability to live as Christ designed me to live.
So often, our fears hold us back from what He designed us to do. Sadly, they can be subtle in how they manipulate us. We emotionally react out of fear (which can show as sadness, anxiety, or anger), we avoid situations that spark fear in us, and we lean into things that will keep the fear at bay.
Once the prayer process had begun, the second step was leaning into those things that scared me. The difference was, that I started to purify my identity while leaning into those fears. I understood the deeper causes of the fear and therefore knew why I was resisting.
Instead of hoping platitudes would make me feel better, I began experiencing them as truths. This isn't to say that the process is complete. I still have anxieties about the public nature of what I do. I'm working on understanding and coming to terms with the lane the Lord has laid out. But, one thing I am figuring out how to experience is that perfect love casts out all fear. My goal is to live in that perfect love – through giving and receiving.
If I have perfect love for Him, myself, and my neighbor, then fear doesn't get much breathing room. Love makes every decision and needs no help from pride or arrogance. Love becomes the source of action and pride is nowhere to be pricked or pained.
I haven't completed this latest purification of my identity. It's a life-long process. I'm not done growing. But I'm taking steps to burn off those fears.
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